i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
