I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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