What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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