Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
