i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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