so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
