Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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