You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm like, not good at living.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
