I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
