I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
