It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
