We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
