I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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