I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
