just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
