I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
