You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I looked at my own cervix.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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