dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
