thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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