I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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