i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
