I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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