I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i think i have two assholes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
