i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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