i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
