so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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