It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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