You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
