true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
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Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.