I just threw up on my dentist
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
