Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
