and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
