She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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