peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
