You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
