i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
