The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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