have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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