I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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