i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
