I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
