my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
