Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
