We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
