his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
