Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
