Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
