Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
