got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
