I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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