oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
