and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
