I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
