you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
