That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
