My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
