Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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