Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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