My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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