I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
